A Selfish Request?

I find myself in a state of limbo these days as there are so many things needing confirmation… the three lab visits, my brother’s doctor appointment, his surgery date, my short holiday with MX and his friends, etc. all needs to be fitted into the 2 weeks I’m spending back home. As much as I’d love to meet up with friends, the need to spend the time with my family and MX is stronger, especially since I’ve been so thoroughly stressed and bogged down with work since Feb. Exhaustion certainly doesn’t help in holding interesting and engaging conversations, and thus on many occasions I found myself just happy listening to them.

I (think) I’m usually quite understanding but today I was pretty devastated when MX told me that he might want to extend his trip (without me) as the other party that are going is thinking of doing so.

Logically, he should travel with them. The holiday planning started months ago, air tickets had been booked and I’m not 100% sure that I’ll be making the trip if my brother’s surgery happens to coincide with the travel dates. I should be relieved and happy that his holiday will not be affected and he won’t find himself without a traveling companion if I have to pull out at the very last minute.

However, what I really wished was that he will stay too if I had to pull out. To me the whole point of going on the trip is to spend more time with him in a relaxed and fun setting. Of course I still want to travel with him very much, but now that I am needed at home, I do hope to see him as often as I can, as much as I can, to run errands together, and spend time together, in perhaps less romantic ways.

I wanted to tell him how I felt when we got on the phone again this afternoon, but I could not bring myself to as I suddenly realized that I was indirectly making a very self-centeredness demand. It was what I wanted to do, but is it what he wanted as well? It would be so unfair to him as he has been doing all the research and planning single-handedly, inviting friends to come along too. It was me who pitched the idea after all and did nothing to help after that. Also, it involves other people and he has been dealing with enough indecisiveness, different opinions and demands already – all without complaint.

I know that once I’ve calmed down and thought things through, my logic side always wins. I’ll be telling him to carry on without me and have a good time. The trip is barely three weeks away and it’ll be so much easier for me to pull out now so that he can finalize the travel arrangements.


Should I ask him to stay in Singapore for me?

I still can't decide.



Ps: He doesn’t follow my blog so it’s ok to write.