Panic Attack

The start of the academic year is often a time to rejoice for me, as friends return from their summer holidays with stories to share, and the new school year promises of more activities to come.

However, this year also spells the end (I HOPE and DREAD with equal intensity) of my student life. I can't sleep. I feel that I've not been working hard enough. I've really not produced much to show for the past 2 years. There are so many thing I should have understood by now but I do not.

Suddenly, my life is filled with so many hows...
How can I finish my experiments in time?
How can I find time to read all the current papers?
How can I clear my backlogs?
How can I learn Abacus in 3 months and squeeze in modeling work?
How long do I actually need to finish?
How long should I extend my visa?
How can I find time to go to the gym when I knock off at 9 every night?
How can I maximize my time without suffering from fatigue?
How often can I turn down invitations without becoming anti-social?
How can I fulfill those promises to visit XX places with YY people?
How can I even think of having fun when there is work to do?
How can I find time to study?
How can I pass my viva?
How? How? How?

And then, there are also many 'I should have'...
I should have spent more weekends in college
I should have played less spider solitaire
I should have taken less time with my transfer report
I should have gone into the lab more often and not sit at my desk doing analytical work
I should have read more papers over the weekends
I should have just forget about politeness and pressurize people to deliver
I should have been more constructive with my time when waiting for materials to be delivered.

This is obviously a panic attack. (Maybe I'll make a better psychologist than a researcher)
I can anticipate a state of mental paralysis, a wave of depression, a sense of helplessness approaching. Hopefully, when the dawn breaks tomorrow I'll be too numb to feel, and can just get in to college to work, work, work, and deliver. Hopefully the equations I'm reading now will make sense and look less scary tomorrow. Hopefully.

Darn, I'm really tired. And this is only the 1st day of term.